It is a beautiful day here, like most Colorado days, and we have just returned from the cancer center where Dan was let out of jail early. We went to breakfast. This is the first time we have gone out in months and it almost felt normal. Then the drive home and I see all sorts of couples taking their walks, sitting with their lattes, or window shopping in Cherry Creek and the realization hitsthat we are not "normal" and I try desperately to hold back the tide.
I always ask Dan if he has told people on the blog how he really is, not the numbers, or the Doc's comments but the real thing. He always say yes and when I read his posting I realize we are often in different spaces. I feel like the voiceover on Desperate Housewives, telling what is going on beneath the surface, the real truth if your will, or the story according to the spouse, caregiver, best friend. Perhaps the real truth is that there are two stories.
I have taken to calling the hospital/cancer center the airport. It just comes out and as I correct myself I have tried to figure out why I continuously say this. Today I was struck by the thought that it is, in fact, like being at the airport. The ennui, the inability to find a comfortable place to sit, the long hours, the terrible food, and the waiting for something to happen,( or the explanation of why we are still grounded). Unfortunately Paris or some equally lovely place is not at the end of this ride.
And so the news this week of the still high myeloma number sent me into a bit of a tailspin. There is so much hope and then the reality hits and you are reeling and using every bit of strength you have to push through it and move on. Dan says little but comments like they can probably get me a few more years make me realize his strength of purpose is often tried and tired; certainly more so than mine. I am merely the watcher, the gatekeeper, the poorly prepared nurse
So back to the beautiful day. There is always hope and ofen a laugh, and more often cherished words from my dear Dan. They keep me going but make no mistake, this is the most difficult thing I've ever done. I sincerely thank all of you for you love and constancy. Happy Saturday, Love, Susan
And from Dan: As for me, I still have tremendous hope and strength of spirit and will continue to refuse to give in to the negative. Yes, this is difficult, the most difficult challenge I have faced in my life. But hope is always there. Just yesterday we were told that my doctor and this cancer center have one of the greatest reputations for survivors of myeloma. There are many many options and treatments still available. You, my friends, have shown me that the world is full of blessings and the glass is always half full. All you have to do is look at it that way. Fortunately for me, I have always seen life that way so this is not too difficult for me. Love, Dan
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Good Morning! I will not write alot but only to say please remember that while you are going through this unbelievable period and you both have to endure the actual difficulties, you are not alone. There are so many of us out here saying prayers, lighting candles, sending positive thoughts, offering up our difficult situations so that you can know that we care so much for all of the Pattersons. Love to you all! The Seals
I am alway struck by how much I take for granted in my life. I am so touched by your note Susan and the strength that both you and Dan exhibit on a daily basis. Most days I can read the entries and approach them with a clinical eye and then rush off to research the meaning behind the counts or changes in treatment. Today however I have a tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. Somedays love and the surety that Dan will come through all of this just doesn't seem to be enough. I hate to feel helpless. Then there are the words that Dan wrote yesterday "There is no normal course of recovery, only individual courses." In my heart I know that this is all about recovery, Dan's recovery and recover he will! I love you all. Remember I am a phone call and 10 minutes away.
Just last night I was relfecting on your 23rd anniversary, and I realized how great it will be to recognize your 25th. It will be an honor to mark that date because the 2 of you are so remarkable. Your love for one another, the respect that you give to each other, and your warmpth and sincerity set you 2 aside from most other couples. You are role models for us all everyday of our lives. Until the right man comes along and I can have the kind of relationship with him that I see in you I can rest a little easier knowing that your love helps to make this world a better place.
A nasty cold has kept me out of contact with you both for the past 2 weeks. While I know that that was the right thing to do, it was difficult nonetheless. I get such a charge of energy from you both whenever I see you. The cold is now gone, so like it or not, I'll be on your doorstep sooner than you think!
I hope all goes well at the airport on Sunday. Don't try to smuggle any contraband in or out of that place. John Ashcroft just might find you.
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